To help, or NOT to help... that is the question.

Have you ever been in a position where you are caught between an issue of two friends?

  I think we've all been in this situation at one time or another, in one way or another.
We all know the feeling... you hate to see your friends struggling, you hate the awkwardness between them when they are arguing, you know what needs to be done to solve the issue at hand, but you don't feel like it's your place to do anything about it. Then, after a great deal of time goes by, you realise nothing is going to change, and that things are only going to get worse, so... you act. And when you do, it all goes to hell in a hand basket, and you find yourself minus one friend, or in really bad scenarios, friendless.

 Why is it that we do this to ourselves? We sit and stew about a problem that is not our own, we feel guilt for an issue that we had no part in creating, we feel responsible for fixing something that is not ours to fix, and when we cannot take it any longer, we take action. This has got to be one of the most self destructive things a person can do.

Getting caught up in other peoples' drama is common problem among friend circles.. especially close circles, and I can't count the number of times I've seen friendships break up because one person tried to step in to help the others. You'd think I would have learned from that! Well, apparently not.   

Not all that long ago, I made the mistake of intervening when I shouldn't have, and BOY what a mess I found myself in. It all started out innocently enough.....

I met my friend Wendy* (not going to use real names for the sake of privacy) through family last summer on holiday to the interior. Wendy was a strong, bold but compassionate girl who was dating a much older man named Andrew*. Andrew came across as a very sensitive, caring man who would do anything for his darling Wendy.
They were a lovely, playful, fun-loving couple and my husband and I immensely enjoyed spending time with them.

Not long after meeting them, we decided to relocate to the town we all met in. We had been hashing the idea of moving there long before meeting Wendy and Andrew, and what with my husband's sister, my two uncles and aunts in town, his mom in the next town over, and many others no more than an hour away, we made the move.
Right away, we began visiting with Wendy and Andrew. It got to be where we would see them at least once a week, and often a lot more than that. We grew close quickly, and enjoyed spending time together whenever we could. Our kids played well with Andrew's kids, and Wendy, while not yet having her own little ones, doted on the lot of them. It was a wonderful, picture perfect family-like environment that we looked forward to experiencing for years to come.

It didn't last. Within a few months of seeing Wendy and Andrew, their relationship started to get rocky. Andrew would often talk of Wendy when she wasn't around, and the things he had to say were less than flattering. At times, he was downright nasty. He painted her out to be a controlling, aggressive, overly-clingy woman who just would not leave him alone. He often spoke of feeling suffocated, and would repeatedly ask for advice every chance he got.
My husband and I would dutifully give him our two cents worth, and would leave it at that, hoping that he would have some new ideas for putting things straight.

Well, things did NOT improve. In fact, they worsened... rapidly. There were many things Andrew had to complain about regarding Wendy, and as time went on, we began to notice little things ourselves. But the one inconsistency was that we never seemed to see things to the extreme degree that he was speaking of.

Now, in hindsight, I should have known something was up with Andrew right then and there. After all, what kind of person goes around trash talking their girlfriend? But in his defense, there are many people out there stuck in abusive and otherwise unpleasant situations with their partner, and it is a very difficult position to be in. Venting to our friends is something we all do, and we chalked his behaviour up to that fact.
Besides, he didn't seem like the type of person who would set out to deceive others, so my husband and I believed what we heard.

Time went on, and it didn't take long before Wendy coming to me about Andrew, and what I heard from her was the opposite of what I was hearing from Andrew. The way she told it was that he was the one proposing to get closer with her! It seemed highly unlikely, especially considering that Andrew was so vocal about her to us, and to everyone else who would listen.
That is when I really began to wonder about Wendy, and just what she was playing at.

Over the next little while, we drew back a bit from Wendy, and focused our friendship more on Andrew. After all, there didn't seem to be a problem when it was just us and him. Wendy was a busy woman, so when the going got really rough, we would get together with Andrew when she was busy. We didn't really have anything against Wendy, we just felt very uncomfortable when they would bicker, or when we were around after a fight... you could cut the bad energy in the room with a knife!

More time passed, and the tables started to turn. My husband and I noticed inconsistencies in Andrew's behaviour. Things were quite weird for a while, not with the friendship, but with the two of us watching the whole thing play out. At one point, neither of us had any clue as to whether the issue was Wendy, or if it was Andrew! They both had their downfalls, but they also both had many, many good points, so it was very difficult to say exactly what was going on.

Finally, things came to a head. One afternoon, Wendy called me in a terrible state. She had found questionable, and rather condemning things on Andrew's computer one afternoon. He had been right there, and it had all begun innocently enough. She had actually stumbled across the information by mistake.
Now, I won't get into exactly what that information was, but believe me, it did NOT paint Andrew out in a very positive light. Andrew had subsequently flipped out and thrown his laptop across the room with such force that it broke.
I was shocked, and so was my husband, and at that point I didn't quite know what to think. My advice to Wendy was that although we liked Andrew and would remain his friend, that what had gone down was not right, and that she really should leave him.
Wendy had other plans, and apparently spent some time digging for more information. Late that night, Wendy called again asked me to take her to Andrew's to confront him. The LAST thing I wanted to was to be anywhere near there, but something wasn't sitting well with me about the whole thing, and I was worried about Wendy going by herself, so I agreed. I drove her over, and waited in the car for her to do her thing.
It was an absolutely frigid, windy night and my imagination took great delight in torturing me with images of the many terrible things that could be going on inside that house, but fortunately, none of that came to light.

I fully expected Wendy to come back to the car and tell me that she had broken up with him, but she surprised me when she came back smiling and told me that it was all worked out. No explanation from Andrew as to why he did what he did, just a feeble acknowledgement of what he'd done, and an apology. They also talked about the many issues he had been complaining to us about, and she felt as though he really got a lot off his chest.

I shook my head at the whole thing, but really... we are all human, and we all make mistakes, so I figured that perhaps this little talk of theirs would smarten him up, and would also help her to understand his frustrations.

Tragically, that was not the case. Within a week, though Wendy was under the impression that everything was great, Andrew started talking again. Things were not good, and he wanted out of that relationship, but she just would not let him go.
Months went by, and things remained this way. It was exhausting, and our mutual friends began to talk when Wendy and Andrew weren't around. The feelings were all the same... why don't they just break up? What was the big deal about it all, anyway? It was such a mess.

Things once again came to a head. One night when my husband went to visit Andrew for their weekly game night, Andrew dropped a REAL bomb. It was the kind of thing you would expect to read in a trashy novel, and my husband was blown away. The nature of it was NOT something you would be speaking of and planning while in a relationship with someone .
My husband came home quite disturbed about the whole thing and told me about it, and I was equally shocked. Over the next few days, we deliberated on whether or not we should tell Wendy. Had it been something innocuous, we wouldn't have, but this was the kind of information that she really SHOULD know about.
By and by, Wendy phoned and asked to come visit us, so not a week after having this bomb dropped, here was the poor girl who stood to lose everything, sitting before us. I could tell that my husband was just as torn as to what to do as I was, so when he headed out for a cigarette before taking her home, I broke the news to her.
Her reaction was mainly shock.. in fact, I'm not so sure it even sunk in fully. She thanked me for telling her, we hugged, I told her to call me if she needed to talk, and away she went. Funny enough, my husband broke the news to her again in the car on the way back, not knowing I had already done it.
When he returned, we were both relieved to have gotten that nasty business off of our consciences, and vowed that it was now up to her to take action.

Just like before, later that night (but not quite so late as last time), Wendy called. It was clear immediately that everything we had told her had sunk in. We talked for a long time, and for the first time, I was honest with her about what was being said. She was shocked, and told me the HE had been the one trying to get closer, and trying to make plans for their future. Many details came out that made me realise that Andrew was not who we thought he was.

We sat in the car for a very long  time in the parking lot of the local Tim Hortins.. both completely blown away by what the other had to say. I really hadn't set out to go on a trashing mission of Andrew, but in light of what was going on, I wasn't thinking about preserving his integrity, I was thinking about poor Wendy who was sat beside me, devastated and completely lost. I kept things to fact, and said very little otherwise, and so did she.
After we had talked it all out, I felt EXTREMELY guilty about outing Andrew. After all, he was my friend. But at the same time, I had felt equally as guilty for not telling Wendy. I had been at a cross point where no matter what I did, I was betraying one of them, and my eventual decision was to be honest with the person who stood to be seriously hurt by my silence, and that was Wendy.

Eventually, Wendy asked me to drive her to Andrew, who was at a local hot spot playing cards. She was going to break up with him and wanted me to be there for when she got back. She promised to not mention my husband or me, and that she would keep it all general. So, I sat in the parking lot, feeling quite foolish as I scanned out my window for the muck to hit the fan. I ended up catching the whole breakup right there outside the back door. It wasn't pretty, and I ended up looking away and just waiting.
Andrew eventually left with a very angry expression on his face, and she came back to the car in tears. It was a terrible thing to witness, and it left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for the rest of the night.

Now you would think that after something like this, that the relationship would be kaput. But not a day later, she was over at his house.. apparently talking it out. And then, she was there the next day... and the next day, and so on.

To this day she maintains that they are just friends, but committed friends. Wendy and I have become quite close after all of this. But our friendship with Andrew is another matter. Andrew confronted my husband days later about the breakup, asking us if we'd spoken to Wendy about things prior. My husband owned up that yes, we did speak to her, after taking his word that he had wanted to get rid of her, and that she would not go, and also because of the bomb he'd dropped on us. He told Andrew that we didn't want to see anyone get hurt.
Nothing was said after that, and Andrew was never friendly with us again. The whole thing has also thrown a rift between Andrew and our mutual friends. Some of them don't speak to us either, and I especially have been cast as the 'bad guy'.
I suppose that I understand why he would be so angry with me, but it would be very interesting to hear just exactly what was said to all of them to take sides the way they have.

Tonight, I had one of our few remaining mutual friends over for a bit, and we discussed the issue for the first time since it happened over a month ago. I poured my heart out about the whole thing, expressing my extreme regret in getting involved, and he was kind enough to tell me that I did the right thing, though I don't feel the same way.

I guess the point of this entire post is to warn people that things are NOT what they seem. People have their issues, and no matter how badly we want to help, unresolved issues are unresolved for a reason. I'm sure that if my husband and especially if I had not gotten involved, that they would have broken up anyway. Perhaps things would be exactly as they are now, but without the resentment on Andrew's part.


Looking back at it all now, I really don't know what I would have done differently if given the chance. I am not sorry for telling Wendy the truth, but I am sorry about the manor in which I told her. I think perhaps I would speak to Andrew first and let him know what I was going to do, and why. At least then, I would not feel like I was betraying my friend, and he would know that my motives were that of compassion, and not assume that I am just some bitch trying to destroy his life.


I grew up being told that honesty is the best policy, and I'm not so sure I agree with that whole heartedly. In theory, yes, honesty IS the best policy, but when it comes to real life... honesty comes at a high price.
We will all face problems like this in our lifetime, problems like this and many more serious issues where we are forced to choose between our friends.
My initial advice would be to stay out of it if at all possible, and if there is something that does need to be divulged like in my situation, speak the truth, and then back off and let them sort it out themselves. Do not go further, and do not try to help find a solution. That is the job of the two friends you have just tried to help.

Good luck with your friends, and may you never find yourself in such an awkward predicament!

Got the Time?

I think the most perplexing social issues I have ever come across were not issues in which one would take a step back and say, "Wow, this is so complicated that I don't even know where to start", but rather, the simple issues... the issues in which there doesn't initially seem to be a problem... yet one emerges.

Take for a quick example, the issue of social anxiety.
Social anxiety in itself, is a very complicated issue. But for the average person who does not entirely lack empathy and imagination, it's fairly easy to rationalize something like that. You may not know a person's exact reasons for being that way, but what you do know is their general issue and what it encompasses, and therefore, you can make a bit of sense out of behaviour that would otherwise have completely thrown you for a loop.
Yet when there doesn't seem to be any problem, we are left a hell of a lot more confused than we would have been otherwise.

The strangest phenomena, (in my humble opinion) are the people who have absolutely no concept of time whatsoever. They have no idea what time it is, how long something will take them to do, they easily lose track of their entire day, they have trouble setting a time to meet, or, if they actually do set a time to meet, they are always late, and without any sort of explanation. These people completely and totally boggle my mind.

Now, before those of you know actually know me get bent out of shape, I will throw out a disclaimer and readily admit that I am no human watch myself. My biggest downfall is that I get so wrapped up in whatever it is that I'm doing, that I lose track of what time it is. But, so long as there is a clock, a watch or  radio around me somewhere, I am at least somewhat aware of the time. I am especially aware if I remember that I have a previous engagement. It isn't often that I've left a person hanging for longer than half an hour, and if I have, it's been due to some sort of calamity, be it traffic or a last minute poopie diaper.
*(This reminds me, I really MUST invest in a cell phone. How much easier it would be if I could simply call a person to tell them I'm running late!!)*


So let's get on with it, shall we?!


Today, I had the strangest experience... an experience odd enough that it prompted me to write about it. Seeing as my Facebook status will only accommodate a certain amount of letters and that I tend to be very longwinded when I muse via keyboard :D

It was all regular enough to begin with; I received a phone call from a (fairly new) friend  the day before yesterday. He wanted to know if I would like to get together for coffee the next day (yesterday). I accepted, and we loosely planned for sometime in the afternoon, and that he would call me later. I didn't wait up, as I'd heard through the grapevine that he was somewhat notorious for being time-mismanaged. That night around ten, he called. We briefly chatted, and made what I thought were definite plans for the next day (today). He told me he would call around ten-ish, and then we'd figure out what time to meet.

This morning, he dutifully called, at nine instead of ten. I took this to mean that he was serious about getting together. He told me he had plans that morning, and that he would call me later and we'd meet up sometime in the afternoon. Okay, not exactly a concrete time, but afternoon only goes on so long, so I figured that coffee would happen at some point.
So, I carried on around the house, always keeping an ear open for the phone. Time went by quickly as always, and soon, it was after lunch and getting to be around the time I figured I could at least expect a phone call.

So....1 pm came.... then 2 pm.... 3 pm.... and on and on. All the while, I kept the kids somewhat entertained, and loitered about the house, not accomplishing all that much, and whenever asked when we were leaving, I would say "soon, soon. We're just waiting for a phone call!"
Finally, just before six, I decided to call him to see where in the hell he was at! He answered and said "I'm just driving into town now, I'll give you a call in a bit." and that was that.

At that point, I wondered if I was just being blown off. I decided not to wait any longer, and took the kids out to play for a few before I started dinner. But not ten seconds after I had the first little squirmer shoed, he called back. Curious....
Not about to waste any more time, I asked him right away if we could switch our plans to a dinner, since it was dinner time, he was nearly to town and we were all fairly hungry. He told me that he was at his friend's place (a mutual friend of ours) and that he was having dinner with them! He told me he would call me after he was finished his dinner.
Perplexed, I sat down on the step and tried to make sense of it all. Slightly irritated that my entire afternoon was wasted when I could have gone out with my uncle (who called not half an hour after this guy this morning inviting me out....).
I decided not to brood about it, but rather to treat the kids and myself to dinner out. So off to Subway we went!

Being that I have two little ones and a somewhat hectic life at times, I get that sometimes plans change. That's fine! It happens to us all. But usually when plans change, we inform whoever is waiting for us so that they can continue on with their day! The thought process behind this guy must be virtually non-existent! What baffles me ever further is that this is no dummy we're talking about. The guy is actually quite smart, well spoken, well mannered (besides being on time, that is.....) well dressed and well educated. Not the usual suspect for such behaviour, or so it would seem.

Well, we arrived home at seven, and I was sure that if he had called that I'd missed him by then.. it had taken me a bit to get the kids out of the car, fed, cleaned up and back into the car, and home again and it was already after seven. I checked my call display, but noted he hadn't called yet. So I sent my son out to play until bedtime and hung out with my sleepy daughter. At seven thirty, I decided to give him a call and see if it wouldn't be better for us to come to the mutual friend's place. He lives quite close, he has an extra bedroom, and I could set up the playpen for my little one so that they can go to bed, and perhaps we could all have a games night, and at least have a fun evening! My husband and I did that on a number of occasions in the past, it was our usual arrangement for whenever we'd go over there.

Well wouldn't you know it, he didn't answer. I called our mutual friend, seeing as they were having dinner together, and I was told by his roommate that neither of them were there. Not sure what was going on, I asked if the fellow in question had even been there. "Oh yeah, they just left to go out for dinner."
So he had presumably hung out there for that entire hour and half before going out to eat! Keep in mind that the plan was to go out and have coffee. Now it was seven thirty, half an hour before my kids were to go to bed!
At this point I was extremely irritated. I MUST be being blown off, but this is not a manor in which I would have assumed I'd been blown off. Usually when someone blows you off, they just don't show up, or call, or anything. So if he was trying to blow me off, why on earth would this dude string me along all morning, all afternoon and into the evening if he really didn't want to get together? He was, after all, the one who had initiated all of this to begin with!!

The craziest part of it all came just after nine this evening. After the no-answer, I gave up and finished off the evening, bathed the kids, read them some stories and put them to bed. I had been downstairs for all of two minutes when the phone rang.
Guess who?! Not a WORD about our missed plans, or anything for that matter. He acted as if nothing was out of order, and asked me how my day went! I felt like telling him that my day didn't go... I spent most of it waiting for HIM! But, I managed to keep my tact about me, and I answered "Oh...... it went...." figuring he'd get the hint, but alas, he did not.

Now here's the kicker! Just when I thought he would conclude our strange conversation with a "well have a good night, then.", he asked me what I was up to tomorrow! He told me "I could call around eleven and we could make plans!"

*facepalm*

So let me close in saying that this world is full of all kinds of strange and mysterious people, (none more so than this fellow), and while they confuse the CRAP out of us, life without these colorful characters would be predictable, monotonous and over all very dull indeed, and we would have no interesting stories to tell :)